It's not a choice

There’s a song, I’m not sure of the name, but the hook of the song is “I think I’ll be a homosexual, I think I’ll make a frivolous lifestyle choice…”. One of our local drag queens, Marnie Rae Holiday, uses this little ditty to open her show. The song is a pointed piece of sarcasm and while it makes me laugh the song also accomplishes its goal of making me angry.

Nothing works my last gay nerve so much as being told that who I am is a “lifestyle” or a “choice.”

One of the more ridiculous questions I’ve been asked in the relatively short time I’ve been out is, “How do you know you’re gay?” To which I want to respond, “How do you know you’re straight?”

Being gay is not the sum total of my being. I like to write. I like to cook. I have an unnatural fear of pineapple upside down cake. I’m reduced to a puddle of goo in the presence of a kitten or puppy. I’m an avid hockey fan and the Washington Redskins are dead to me, but I still watch their games with one piece of me hopeful. I’m a Christian.

But just as I inherently know all those things about myself, I inherently know that I’m attracted to women.

I was married to a man for six years. I still love him dearly to this day, but I wasn’t in love with him, not the way I love my partner.

I always knew I was some how different. When the other little girls my age were mooning over Luke Skywalker and Han Solo after Star Wars came out, I was secretly kissing a picture of Princess Leia in People Magazine. In high school, I struggled to figure out why I was always mildly jealous of my friends’ boyfriends. I had a boyfriend off and on, but never really knew what I wanted with him. I probably figured out I was gay when I was in my twenties. I had an intense attraction to a female guitar player in a band I went to see regularly. I dismissed it as mere appreciation for her talent, but I was fooling myself.

What’s worse, it wasn’t even as though I was concerned about my parents’ or friends’ reaction to my being gay. I had a number of gay friends. Both of my parents, while somewhat conservative, are very liberal socially. They know gay folks are just folks.

It’s also not as though I lived in a place where I’d be shunned. At the time I was figuring all this out, I lived in the greater Washington, DC area. I wouldn’t have had the first problem being out. But I’m from the Midwest. And while the sorts of “values” that keep gays and lesbians in the closet here weren’t preached in my immediate family, I am well aware of them.

It only made sense then, that I moved back to Springfield and then got a divorce and came out of the closet. That “choice” cost me dearly. I’m unable to be close to one side of my extended family because of their views. I hurt my ex-husband terribly. I lost a home I’d worked hard to achieve. I couldn’t talk about whom I was dating at work. I had to constantly look over my shoulder when I was in public on a date. The only place I could show affection to a lover was at a gay bar or in the confines of home.

People hate and ridicule me without even knowing me. I have to go to great lengths to see that my partner, who is my spouse, can have a fraction of the things she would get if she were my husband should I die. I can lose my job for who I “choose” to love.

Now I ask you, why on Earth would I “choose” that “lifestyle?”

The answer, simply, is I didn’t. Biology or God made me who I am, whichever you choose to believe. There is a lot of public debate regarding whether or not homosexuality is hereditary. Regardless of the scientific evidence those who do not wish to believe will find ways to discount said evidence the way they do evidence of evolution.

To me, it doesn’t truly matter. If there is a God, He or She must see a need for us to be here or we wouldn’t be ten percent of the population. And while I am a Christian, I know evolution is how we got to be where we are and I’m reasonably certain biology did play a major role in who I am.

Before I get the ridiculous question: If we are biologically homosexual why don’t we go extinct since we don’t reproduce? This research explains why.

Further, before I get the flood of email about how I can be a Christian when the Bible says homosexuality is wrong I’ll just go ahead and give you my response and save us both the headache. There are as many interpretations of the Bible as there are Christian denominations. Many of them say very different things. Many contradictions can be found in the Bible itself. Put simply, my beliefs differ from yours. My life is different from yours and I respect that. All I ask is that you do the same for me.