Never forget the Green

While I could post a few rantings about how I was really missing money about now--and really,who ISN'T missing money about now???, my thoughts this morning drifted back. Way, WAY back to the time of elementary school.

It's St. Patty's, of course. And like any wide-eyed kid who knows nothing better, I wanted to fit in. In elementary school on St. Patrick's day, that means one thing only: be like a leaf in late Spring. Wear green, green, GREEN, and only green. In fact, if you can just temporarily tatoo yourself green, all the better. Think of it as camoflauge, and the pending war is nothing less than a pinch-fest by any bully, girl who had cooties, boy who wanted to get too close, or teacher who has it out for you.

My mom taught in my school, often within a few classrooms of my own. I'm not sure if that was coincidence or planning on her part. My mother has always tended to be a bit over protective. So you'd think that when days came around that might cause physical harm to her youngest, she'd be right out on the front, making sure that strategy was played out. As mentioned, it was all-out war on St. Patrick's day. Every man to himself, and keep your eyes out to taunt others, lest you be taunted.

"LOOK! Jane's not wearing green!!! GET HER!"

(Says Jane) "Dick's not wearing green, either. Get him!"

But it was too late, alas, for poor Jane. Her addiction to bright colors caused her to forget that holidays trump fashion. Ergo, the god-awful Christmas sweaters Grandma provided "with love" and your mother forced you to wear for the holiday photo.

In my mom's class, if you forgot to wear green, she had a construction paper shamrock already prepared with your name on it and a straight pin, ready to affix said shamrock to your shirt.

And lo, the many woes to one who pinches another who WAS, in fact, wearing green. I say unto you, there will be great wailing and gnashing of teeth, not to mention a yelp of pain when they get to pinch back. And let's not forget, the revenge pinch is ALWAYS harder than the one for the color faux pas.

As I got into high school, there were more classmates who decided to get creative in their attacks and their clothing. Attacks, with drastically changing hormones, became more sincere, more violent. A young man had to be careful. A tight pinch on the ass, a nipple twister, even a pulled arm hair could be your fate if you forgot the green.

A simple green tee was no longer creative enough. Not by a long shot. If you wanted to impress, you had a shirt that had small patches of green sporadically placed, so as to ensure a false attack from an enemy. That guaranteed you a chance for a revenge pinch.

If female (or the class-clowning male), some tightly-striped sock with green was a good start. Mostly hidden by jeans, it could go unnoticed. Further, the tight striping caused confusion regarding the justification of a pinch attempt. Therefore, it was best not to try. Females who had blossomed into young women were given a second advantage--hide your green, save a thin bra strap, showing through the neck of your shirt.

Guys, of course, had their way of dealing with this color hiding, as well. When we got into our adolescent years, we somehow gained a miraculous realization that basic white briefs no longer cut it. You had to find color briefs; boxer briefs, if you were really cool. Boxer shorts were okay, but not convenient in gym class. And the only time anyone saw those was when your pants started sagging or when you were undressing in the locker room. (Gee...wonder if this is where a fetish began for some people...hmm...)

I have faithfully tried to wear green every year, even after I found out that wearing green on St. Patrick's day showed your loyalty to the Catholic Church in Ireland. At least, that's one of the legends. And since I was raised Catholic, they kind of expect me to show loyalty...blah, blah, blah.

So, I was a little sad when I drove to the bank this morning, and not one of the employees had made a conscious effort to wear green. Where's the Irish spirit? Where's the heart? Where's the DAMN GREEN!?

Fortunately, I went to Starbucks on my lunch hour. To strange to be mere coincidence, all the employees drug out their aprons special for today! I sat back, enjoyed my chai, and laughed to myself of the memories of green.